Posted on Mon, Jul 7 2008 @ 02:03
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The One With Work

I'm kinda having a weird time at work at the moment. Maybe it's the part-time-manager thing that's really getting to me, but although I enjoy what I do and have become better at it, on the other hand, I feel sometimes that there is barely any input on my part, which only reduces my general performance and makes it seem like I couldn't give a shit about work. Honey actually sends me to work in the morning with a request not to kill anybody while I'm there and if he senses this level of frustration, it just might be worth taking a moment to consider. I don't really know what happened, I don't really know why I started being like that, but I just wonder – too often for my liking – if this is really what I was meant to do. Hell, I know it's not what I was meant to do; I've always known that the business world was not for me, but it never bothered me that much and I'd never seen its reflection on my performance as badly. I have to attribute at least some of it to the fact that I haven't been in my home-base favourite department 4 too often lately, but I have a strong feeling it's just a tiny part of a much larger picture and possibly a much bigger problem. To make a long story short, I may have the potential to be a great manager, but the spark is just not there anymore, and I don't know what to do. I'm an artist, I need to create, to design, to imagine. I can hold that urge inside only for so long before I start realizing how much I miss it. I need to reconnect with it or otherwise I'm afraid I will actually be damaging my workplace. Pure business is just not for me...



In a week from now I'm on holidays again and I won't see my house for almost 2 weeks even on those random two-nights-a-week I still do because I'll be in his place every single day and night (we actually managed to get the same holidays), and I have a feeling that returning from this (my version of) paradise will only make things worse for me at work later on. Let's just say it's definitely not an attitude-boost. When he wakes up in the morning to go to work, I think he looks just about as eager as I do, only possibly grumpier. But in the end, he is a smart, capable man in his own country, so he can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone, which is more than I can say for me. Too often for my liking, I lately find myself asking the same question… why am I still doing it? And although there is at least one reasonable answer, I'm not so sure anymore.

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Frank & Nancy Sinatra - Something Stupid