Frankly I have no excuse except for the obvious fact that I really didn't feel like writing much of anything lately (I have emails waiting to be answered too). I'm seriously neglecting this blog and I sometimes wonder why I still keep it all together, but I know that the second I give it up, I'll want it back, so that won't happen anytime soon. 
Not much has been going on in my lately, to be honest, not to say that writing about nothing has ever been a problem for me. It's mostly been a period of reflection, about a lot of things rather than something in particular, but definitely about certain things more than others. For example, I once again realized that I cannot keep a relationship. Up until a year ago or so, I was fairly confident about who I was and what I wanted and I used to go out and get it. Now, I realize, it isn't the case. I still know what I want, but I am no longer fighting to get it and I wonder what it says about me. I cannot settle for anyone less than what I want, and the few that I really want don't seem to be ready to commit or don't feel that I am exactly what they want (and trust me, finding a man who will satisfy, or even potentially satisfy, someone like me morally, intellectually and sexually is a chance of about one in a million). There is only so long that I can remain in a relationship that is "not quite what I'm looking for" and so eventually, once again, I end up alone. Obviously, it gives me the freedom of concentrating on my life and my general ambitions and so I wonder sometimes whether I'm the one who is making these relationships to be "not quite it" by accentuating the negative and undermining the positive and then breaking the whole thing off. On the other hand, the few (unfortunately only three so far) that were broken off by the men in my life, ones that had the potential of being something exceptional, even if they did not quite show that potential at the time, I did not stay and fight for. Looking back at things, I shouldn't have given up so easily; I should have fought for them, every single one of them, and even if our ways eventually did part, I think I would have been a better person for it, and maybe so would they. And yet it is the really good ones that won't commit, or maybe, they just won't commit to me.
I'm not suffering from lack of self esteem; don't get me wrong, I'm not the type. But I'm also a woman, and my time is running out. I'm 24 years old and I don't see a family of my own within the next ten years at least or so, and as much as I want to concentrate on other things, all that thought really does is hurt.
Family means children, it means giving life and bringing up life, it means to have a man by your side who will appreciate and support you and let you do the same to him, it means waking up in the morning for someone other than yourself and living day to day for someone other than yourself; it means struggling through life for someone other than yourself. It is a privilege that most people severely underestimate and everything aside, this is one of the things I want more than anything I the world, and it seems less and less I'm meant to have it at all. I think now the only way for me to regain some sort of normality in that field is either somehow go back to a relationship I shouldn't have given up on or go gay altogether. And it just seems to me that the latter option is more probable than the former these days.That aside, I found out a few days ago that my tuition for next year is 15,200 euro, which is about 1500 more than I had estimated. I cannot possibly pay that amount and at the moment I don't really know what I'm going to do. I will try to get together about 10,000 for the first payment that is due in the beginning of September, and I don't even know whether or not I'll manage that much. I might be able to talk Tom into paying my rent for September a bit later than usual, so that could help a bit. I haven't told my parents yet, and I seriously doubt they'd be reading this blog, so it's pretty safe to rant about it here. I can't ask them for help and I don't want them to be obliged to help (although knowing them, they will be anyway). It's my mess and I need to figure it out myself. They don't have any money as it is and I will never forgive myself if they are forced to pay off my debts. I only hope that by the end of next year I'll be able to raise enough to pay off some of their debts. It is way overdue that I should start giving back for everything they have ever done for me. To make a long story short, my entire future and dreams are once more under an enormous question mark.
At this point of my life I've going for some time through what I call my self-destructive phase. It's not actually a phase, really, it's mostly a manner of behavior which surfaces in me time and time again whenever I succumb to a so-called depression. After all, there are many types of people in the world; some of them when they hit rock bottom go out and cry on someone else's shoulder, some simply go through the motions, and others, when life lashes out on them, lash out back. I'm the third type. So naturally, when I hit rock bottom, I tend to lash out at everyone around me, get annoyed by everything around me and neglect the thin invisible line that is drawn between honesty and brutality. In fact, what I'm subconsciously doing is "relieving" everyone from my company. What happens in the end of this period is that most people actually do walk away, and I can't really blame them. Unfortunately I'm not an easy person to put up with during those periods and the people who bother are really few. It's my way of releasing anger, and it is also my way of "getting rid of everyone who deserves me being nice to them" because in reality I just want to kill everyone around me. I wonder how long my self destruction is going to last this time and whom I will lose in the process.
Onto a different note, I've been to the National Gallery last week, which had, again, a brilliant exhibition of Irish art from the 17th-19th centuries (couldn't really care about contemporary and modern art, Irish or not, although it had those too). We were studying some of these paintings last year and many of them don't belong to the Irish National Gallery, so I thought I would never get to see them in real life and I'm so happy I did. I didn't actually think they would be there when I came and I was definitely pleasantly surprised. They are absolutely brilliant. I could stand forever next to some of them. I spent about three hours in the gallery that day and I actually only concentrated on the few "visiting" artworks because I lingered in front of every single one. Well the summer is almost over and I haven't actually done anything with it apart from getting my parents to the West when they were here. I would have loved to go to London, and Rome (hell, at least one of them), but we know how likely that is, bearing in mind my circumstances. In times like these I can almost hear Ursula's voice in my head, saying that I need to get myself a man if I want to achieve anything in life, so he could pay for everything I want to do. Yeah, I suppose if I were that kind of woman, my life really would be so much easier. But then again, there is me. And me being me, I'm as broke as they come, and there are no miracles in sight that would be able to change that.
Well that's been a pretty gloomy blog all-around and mostly because I can rant only for so long without wanting to slap myself back into reality, I need to finish it. Before I go though, I present before you Porky the Pig (I made him for daddy to help him while away the hours at work when he is bored). Basic flash interactive animation with sound; the planning took longer than the execution. You can download him here if you want, or open him in a new window to play with. Here's the how-to:
• If you don't touch him, you can watch him shake his head, occasionally blink and snort.
• If you click his ear, he'll squeal because you pulled it.
• If you click his eyes, he will watch a procession of sheep across the screen.
• If you click the clouds, it will start raining (click the clouds again to make it stop).
• If you click a flower, he will accept a flower from you and smile (click the flower in his hand to go back).
• If you click the mud pool, he will jump in it (click his butt to go back).
• If you click his mouth, he will start drinking Guinness (click the Guinness to go back).